School and Insecurity

I thought I could finish my degree in time. I won’t be able to. It's not because I skipped school for the fun of it. I wasn't in class because every morning I woke up defeated. I just did not want to go. Imagine waking up early and telling yourself: "ugh, not today" then imagine that feeling tenthfold.

I was clearly starting to be depressed.

I tried to justify myself when it came to the classes I missed. There’s a rule at my college that you must attend 80% of your classes or it is an automatic fail. I frequently told myself, I can miss because I haven’t reached the limit.

In one class I missed assignments because they were only worth 2% or 3%. Not a big deal. Turns out it was. My final portfolio was entirely based on those assignments and without them I would fail. I eventually got a doctor’s note for all my missed classes. It didn’t and couldn’t make a difference in one class because of that portfolio. 

I tried to explain to my teacher that I had a note but there was nothing she could do. I needed those in-class assignments...

Now, I have to stay an extra year. Because of one class.

I admit, when I had to retake it, I was devastated. I’m already 10 years older than my cohort and now I have to work with even younger students?! Cliques had been established and I felt lonely. I was lucky to find some friends.

That was last semester. This semester is the hardest because half of my classes are with my friends the other ones are with the younger cohort.

What hurts the most right now is that my friends will all be graduating this semester. 

At the beginning of classes, I was all over the place. I came home crying feeling alone. I didn't feel included with the other cohort. I even thought the girls I met from last semester didn't want to be with me. 

My best friends outside of school said to talk with said girls. It turns out they were just happy to reunite with their friends and didn't notice how I felt. Nothing was done maliciously.

----------------

Everyone has their own path. You may be attending college or you may believe it is not for you. We all have different aspirations and that's perfectly fine. There is not a set rule.

I mean, I'm 28 and I'm in college. I go to school with 19 year-olds. Yes, I feel old sometimes. Yes, I feel annoyed. I'm pursuing my studies for me and not to please others.

It still hurts to be held back. But I'll be ok. Two more semesters to go and then, my dream job.

All your hardships are worth it. 

"Sometimes, when you lose, you win." - A Walk to Remember