It’s okay not to have control over your emotions. Not to have control over events. It’s okay not to always feel composed.
I believe in embracing my emotions, even the ugly ones.
There’s an intern that arrived at my job and the staff and the director love her. I was an intern too and got hired afterwards. The same situation might apply to her.
The difference between her and I is that I’ll only get my diploma in May while she will get hers in December and thus have a more permanent position. It’s as if I were late in the race. Because of this, there is a high possibility of me getting part time hours instead of the full time job I enjoy at the moment.
All this will possibly happen next summer. I know it’s terribly far away, but I’m afraid of losing something I love. It also might not happen. The final decision comes to the director and I know she will decide what is most fair and appropriate for the workplace.
I see this girl everyday and it comes up in our conversations that she wants to follow in my footsteps and get a job at my workplace. I can’t take it as a compliment somehow. I take it as her overstepping.
This is why I feel vulnerable. I don’t feel as competent as her all of a sudden. I feel like I’m working so hard just to be stepped on. I’m harsh with myself.
I’m vulnerable.
And, like I said. That’s okay. It’s more than fine to feel inadequate.
Accepting my vulnerability is helping me heal from feeling unwanted.
I try to talk to myself and understand my emotions.
I say to myself: “I feel vulnerable because I feel like my efforts don’t mean anything anymore.”
I try to rationalize my thoughts as much as I can.
But most of all I repeat that same cliché, we hear over and over again.
“It’s okay, not to be okay.”
I don’t need to feel empowered at the moment. To show that I am above all this and that I am strong. That would be lying to myself.
I am vulnerable, and that’s that.
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