Vulnerability

So many of us are vulnerable. Even if society tells us that it’s important to be strong and feel empowered, being vulnerable is okay.

It’s okay not to have control over your emotions. Not to have control over events. It’s okay not to always feel composed.

I believe in embracing my emotions, even the ugly ones.

At the moment, I’m scared of getting my hours cut next summer. I’m scared of getting replaced.

Osheaga 2018

I’ve always wanted to go to a major musical festival and, this summer I did! I went to Osheaga which is, by a stretch, our Montreal version of Coachella. Ok, really by a stretch. But to give you an idea there were 45,000 attendees per day for three days.

And I was one of them.

My friend and I bought the tickets on a whim. We were on a terrasse, having a beer, and one of us said: “I’ve always wanted to go to Osheaga”. We both thought, well, why not?

The Scare of Underperforming

N.B.: This was written a week after my salary increase. I just never got around to posting it.

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As some of you may know, I got a salary increase. I did not ask for it. It was a merit-based increase. I was told that I went above and beyond my required tasks.

I was ecstatic.

However, right after the increase, I got scared. I was scared of underperforming. I was scared that I wasn’t good enough for my new position.

And... I started making stupid mistakes.

St-Jean 2018

St-Jean 2018. Just woah. It's hard to describe all the emotions that I went through in a single night.

La St-Jean-Baptiste or La Fête Nationale du Québec has always been an important part of my life. La St-Jean is a day to celebrate Québec’s French culture and language.


Two years I reconnected with my College friends that I hadn't seen for 9 years! We went to the show in downtown Montreal. The atmosphere was electric.

The year after, I spent the day with my boyfriend and one of my best friends at an attraction parc. Afterwards, we had a soirée/party among friends. I got a bit upset that year but... let's not talk about that.

This year was definitely the best. It might be the best in my life, to be honest.

It started out in a relaxed way sitting and waiting for the rain to stop under our umbrellas. As the evening progressed we went closer and closer to the center stage.

Bands that we liked started playing and we were right near the barriers. I think the only time I've been this close to performers was when I was working backstage for Freshmen Week in University.

However, it rained and rained and rained. This made the set up between bands even slower and the wait was long. I was looking forward to seeing Loco Locass. My all-time favourite Québécois band.

Vacation Relaxation

Vacations can be stressful for me. I like everything to be planned. Absolutely everything. I make myself an itinerary to make sure I do everything everything on my list.

Most of the time, I get it all done and feel satisfied with the outcome but in no way do I come back to work relaxed enough.

This year, my vacation was mainly for appointments. I think I must have had an appointment or a blood test every other day.

Routines and Plans

During my teenage years, I attended a Day Hospital. At the Day Hospital, I did schoolwork, did sports and attended therapy groups. One of the therapy groups given revolved around cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

We learned something that has helped me ever since.

Routine.

Sticking to a routine really helps me. It helps me organize my day. It helps me get rid of anxiety because I know approximately what is happening next.

I feel secure adhering to a routine.

Negative Nancy

Let's face it. I am a Negative Nancy. I am able to turn any situation negatively. About a month ago, my boyfriend told me about this great restaurant he had been to. He wasn't even able to tell me how the food was delicious and what he had chosen to eat that I started ranting.

 I told him about the girl who worked there who I thought was a superficial attention-seeker (when I did get to know her, I realized how mistaken I was). I told him how I did not like her and all the instances she had hurt me. Side note: I talked to my sister about it and she said the same thing about not wanting to eat there.

He stopped me there.

Self-care. Self-love.

I’ve been feeling down in the dumps lately. In a previous post, I mentioned how hard it is for me to be held back. I realize I’m being redundant here but bear with me.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to take care of myself.

Caring for yourself comes through many different forms. Somethings work for others while some don’t. 

To get you inspired here’s what works for me.

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Everyone goes through them, right? 

I can experience major mood swings in a single day.

My day can start marvellously with so much energy and I can feel ready to conquer the world. And then, oops, one bad thing happens and it all goes downhill from there.


Take, for instance, a few days ago, when I was helping my friend move out. I was all pepped out in the morning. I did some reading, I caught up on some school work and I actually ate breakfast!

Sorority

Unbeknownst to you, I was a part of two sororities that shall remain nameless.

When I first started studying in Ottawa, I wanted to fit in. Starting off in Political Science classes with around 75 students was overbearing and made it hard for me to make friends.

2012: Student Protest

2012. The year that proved to me that students can change the face of politics.

It all started in 2007. It was my first year of College. I got involved in my student association and became Club's Coordinator. Until then, I had been living in my happy bubble. My parents were struggling financially but they were paying for my tuition and all of my textbooks. I didn't realize how lucky I was...

School and Insecurity

I thought I could finish my degree in time. I won’t be able to. It's not because I skipped school for the fun of it. I wasn't in class because every morning I woke up defeated. I just did not want to go. Imagine waking up early and telling yourself: "ugh, not today" then imagine that feeling tenthfold.

I was clearly starting to be depressed.

Buying Books

My weakness is buying books.

I have a serious problem.

For example, today I knew I needed to go to the bookstore to get one magazine for my art class. Granted, it was not necessary for me to have said magazine, since I found some clippings the other day.

The grand total should have been $7. 

Liebster Award 2018 Nomination!

I can't believe that I got nominated for the Liebster Award!

I mean, I only started blogging a little more than a month ago. Blogging is one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Unplug

I remember the first time I got my hands on a computer. I must have been 8 years old. It was the first generation of Mac computers. Yes, I’m that old… 

I was obsessed with that computer. There weren’t many programs. My dad had installed Rosetta Stone as well as an automated reading program for children. I started to learn Spanish by furiously clicking on the images. I would run from school for lunch break to type up my fairytales. I liked typing and hearing the stories retold to me.My father saw my interest and got me a video editing program with cartoon characters.

Shame VS Guilt

What is shame? What is guilt? Are these words synonymous? For a long time, I thought they were. I would interchange the terms in my everyday conversations.

Turns out they don't mean the same thing.

Sunshine Blogger Award!

I was graciously nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award by Chelsea at Simply, Silly and Soulful. Check out her blog! You won't be disappointed. Through her posts, you can feel how honest and loving she is.

[2018]

2018 is the year I jumped into blogging. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time but never had the courage to. I guess I've always wanted to find a platform where I could express my thoughts, my feelings and just talk about what I went through as someone who lives with Bipolar Disorder. Part of me is afraid my friends will find out about this blog. Once they know my past, will they still see me as me? It's terrifying to tell you the truth.

I never really wrote down resolutions or "goals" for the New Year. It might be because I usually don't stick to them or feel overwhelmed by the grandness of them. I believe I can do it all and set myself with some pretty unrealistic goals. I hope writing them down here will hold me more accountable.


Here are my goals for the year 2018.

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HEALTH AND WELLBEING

I want to eat better. Start swimming and working out again. I want to be lenient with myself and not abandon everything at the first obstacle (which has been the case recently...).

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FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES

I want to keep in touch with my friends and participate in a monthly activity. I want to continue to develop long-lasting relationships. I want to learn more about my boyfriend and continue to grow in my relationship with him.

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SCHOOL AND WORK

I want to do my work in advance, just as I did last semester. I want to reread my notes every day (this will be a hard one). I started working as a tutor last year. I want to have a direction for my French classes. I want to learn how to better assess my students' needs and apply proper teaching methods to develop their French.

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BOOKS

I want to read 12 books this year, averaging 1 per month. I would like to write 10 book reviews (including 5 books geared towards children). 

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UNPLUG

This year, I want to stop using my phone 2 hours before my bedtime. I want to get into the habit of reading a book before bed. When I'm out with friends, I want to keep my phone in my purse/bag unless I'm waiting for an important phone call. I want to spend more meaningful quality time with my boyfriend without my phone by my side. We don't see each other often and I realize how disrespectful I come across when I'm glued to my phone.

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SLEEP

This year I want to aim for AT LEAST 6 hours of sleep per night. I waste my time on my phone and I don't see the time fly by. Too many times have I slept for 3 hours because I was on my phone. Sleeping is crucial for my wellbeing and performing well in school and at work.

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BLOG

I want to blog at least once a week. I will aim to write three posts. I want to value quality over quantity. At the start of this blog, I was a bit "poule sans tête" (chicken without a head). I was very excited to get all my thoughts out that they just became a mish-mash of posts. I want to write with more clarity. I want my posts to be better organized and have an aesthetic aspect to it. I want to document my ventures and add more photos to my posts. I'll be able to revisit fond memories this way. I want to diversify my posts. I want to write more about my past and how I overcame it. In a sentence, I want to make this blog completely mine.

Here's to a new year!